i like, like you.

sometimes you meet someone completely out of the blue and unexpectedly.
sometimes you claim your single status and wild and free spirit telling yourself and everyone else you'll never be tamed.
sometimes you take a chance, all the while listening to that still healing heart from the last time. 
sometimes you find beauty in what seems like the darkest of places.
sometimes you allow yourself to feel and be loved, for what feels like the first time. 
sometimes you let this new human into the complex head of yours and into your heart without thinking twice. 
sometimes you find this secretly terrifying but not wanting it any other way. 
sometimes this person is one of the most incredible people you've ever met and you wonder why you were so scared in the first place. 
sometimes you find yourself smiling more and singing in the shower.
sometimes those close to you mention how you are glowing. 
sometimes you let go of the what if's and fall in love. 
sometimes.

i love you. 

How to deal with toxic individuals

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
-Eleanor Roosevelt 

Lovely women she was. But really though, this quote has been a crucial one for me over the years and more recently as well.
Maybe it is because I've been more confident regarding my activism, passion and beliefs these past few months that has been a call to all them Haterz and trust me, I wish I could claim that "Haterz are my motivatorz" but let's be real, I'm an uber sensitive and introverted empath. AND PROUD.

From a young age I struggled to fit in, never feeling like I was a cool kid and being called "too sensitive" on the reg.
This was before being called an Old Soul was considered a positive character trait, one that I now am beyond grateful for. I follow many blogs ranging from topics of veganism, activism of many types, politics, spirituality, yoga etc.
Recently one of my favorite independent creative writing spaces dedicated to mindful living called Elephant Journal, I repost pretty much all of their entries, had a piece titled, "Self care for the Highly Sensitive person"and I was instantly intrigued while identifying many personal character traits in the descriptions.

"Many highly sensitive people can relate to one or all of the following:

 feeling overwhelmed by social situations and crowds- epitome of anti-social

Needing massive amounts of alone time-  Can you say introvert?

Intuiting other people's moods and in many cases, absorbing them- comes with being an Old Soul

Intense empathy and deep emotions- Oh the endless feels...

Being in a city can feel oppressive and overwhelming- just take me to the beach

Depression and Anxiety can be common companions- check and check

You soak up your environment and the energy around you like a sponge" - Empath 101

So being thrilled and also terrified that this total stranger just described me to a T, I began to think about some of the issues I've been running into with certain individuals. These few instances where these people (catty girls) have felt the need to victimize and essentially bully me, had started with me being my authentic, outspoken and passionate self. I want to say bless their hearts. For whatever reason my passion and strong opinions are offensive enough to be passive aggressive and retaliate on a personal level.

 I feel deeply and intensely. This is both a blessing and a curse. I would not trade my empathy for anything. I find my compassion and love towards all living things an important and rare quality.

So what are we who identify as passionate, sensitive empaths to do when cruel people seem to be infecting many aspects of our lives? What are we to do when some of these individuals are your "sisters"?

We never back down. We own our sensitivity and passion for justice. We do not allow such little people make use feel inferior for speaking out about what we know to be true and just.

 We think, poor souls to lack such depth and maturity. We do not allow their cruel, harsh words to affect us in anyway. As mean and hurtful as they are, we constantly remind ourselves that they are false and said out of ignorance.

We keep fighting the good fight, speaking for the voiceless, loving the broken and taking care of our sensitive selves in the process.

We cannot love the world unless we first love ourselves.
For all of us who feel more deeply, keep your authenticity alive. Our souls are from elsewhere.

Namaste,
The 20-something old soul

Oh the Feels

My oh my what a week it has been.
And what a week it will be. I figure with all the chaos about to commence (IT'S WEDDING SEASON) it would be in my best interest to get out all the feels from this past week. I'm practicing this cool thing called self-love and allowing me to have some " Brooke Time" despite the endless TO DO list to my right.

A week ago yesterday I was a blubbering mess, sobbing in my living room whilst balancing my very much needed glass of wine on my knee,I was surrounded by some of my closest people receiving endless amounts of support and love, encouraging me to laugh in the face of bitchy-ness and hold my head high.
I had experienced a weak moment, a moment where I actually took to hearing the negative comments and attitude a fellow being had towards me.

I actually gave a damn.

SAY WHATTTT.
It does happen. And while I receive much praise for my self confidence/sure of myself aura, I'm actually quite sensitive and emotional. I tend to take things personally and I feel as if I care almost to a fault about most things.
Oh boy.
So with the craziest week of 2014 starting in less than 10 hours, complete with the philanthropy event I've been planning all semester occurring tomorrow (SLC folks, stop on by the Kappa House for Kappa Gobble and endless pie benefitting The Christmas Box House), my only sister's wedding this saturday and not to mention those needy 15 credits worth of classes and the course load that comes with it, I'm taking a minute.
But we're looking back on this past week.
I went from an emotional train-wreck attempting to quit everything and finally purchase my one-way ticket to Australia, to becoming someone's girlfriend, rescuing a shelter kitty, and never being more excited to see my crazy family in my life.
There's a reason they call the holiday's a time to give Thanks, Appreciation and to be Grateful. This past week I've received an unreal amount of support, congratulations and love from my loved ones and complete strangers.

A lot can happen in a week's time, my challenge for you, and trust me it's ALWAYS a challenge for me too, is to not throw in the towel when it seems everything is falling apart, give those who piss you off or are at the top of your shit list the benefit of the doubt,  have faith ( yes I just used that word) that the Universe has got you covered.
A wise potbellied pig once said,

"Hakuna Matata"

Hang in there loves,
The 20-something old soul

well hello kind strangers.

well, it's definitely been a hot second...
lo siento (sorry).
i suppose i'll blame it on senior year, senioritis is a thing okay!

And yet as excited and ansty as I am it's also insanely terrifying and  overwhelming to fathom life post grad.
Mixed feelings are an understatement.

Anywho, this semester has flown by in every sense of the word. Fifteen credits sure know how to take over one's life. And can I just say, online classes? no me gusta, not quite sure where all this espanol is coming from
iARRIBA! 
That's beside the point. It's November 11th with no sign of snow in the valley yet. This makes this Arizona native mighty happy. There are those who were made for 30 degrees, and then there is me. I grew up in shorts and flip flops 365 days a year.

But this post is not about the weather. Dear god have I really resorted to small talk via blog posts?
..eeek.

Maybe I'm avoiding getting down to the nitty gritty, maybe I'm insecure about all the Feels that have been buzzing around for me this past month. Maybe I'm scared to speak my truth because it's not the popular thing to do or may be seen as controversial. Well that hasn't stopped me before and it sure as hell won't stop me now.

A few weeks ago I had an incredible, terrifying, "imagine everyone in the audience is in their birthday suit" kind of experience.
As most know, I am a vegetarian, currently transitioning to veganism. Recently the Universe has been pretty rad by guiding me to some fantastic humans within the vegan community in Salt Lake. I'd been longing to take my activism to a whole new level. For me it was no longer enough to live my truth and refuse to consume the dead carcass of a fellow sentient being. I needed to take action. I needed to use my voice. I needed a network to go to when the world was much too cruel and I had had enough feeling like the only person who gave a shit about animal rights.
Cue my introduction to Ching Farms and Direct Action Everywhere. (And lovely humans who were the introducers)

Direct Action Everywhere's goal is for those invested in animal rights realize the impact we can have. "The Greatest liberation movement in history starts with you".
I was invited to an open discussion and panel about how to be an activist for animals,
and to be Productive in this endeavor.

I met some incredible people that I thoroughly look up to for their confidence and bravery. They informed me of the demonstration scheduled for thursday of that week.
I was intrigued. 
Our plan was to choose at least one location in the Salt Lake area where meat was sold and hold a memorial service for all the lives that were lost in order to fill the butcher cases.
We wore black, and decided on a few words to say as we lifted the violated bodies of what once was a conscious being capable of emotions, feeling pain and fought until their very last breath.

To say that this demonstration was emotional is an understatment. The topic matter alone breaks my heart but add the anxiety of parading oneself in front of curious strangers in your local Whole Foods and it becomes a whole bucket of discomfort.

I needed this. I needed to be shoved out of my comfort zone. 
My dietary choice has nothing to do with my personal desires or convenience and has everything to do with my disgust of the horrific genocide and speciesism that our societal norms have deemed as acceptable. I stand with the animals.

Okay onto a lighter ( sort of ) side of things.
Ching Farms.
How I was unaware of this magical place being just 30 minutes from where I live is beyond me. But boy am I thankful to have knowledge of its existence now.
Ching Farms is a sanctuary and safe haven for all types of animals. Many of whom were originally destined for slaughter.
You will find pigs, goats, sheep, lamas, emus, calves (omg so presh) chickens, cats, dogs, turkeys and humans.
All of which are living in harmony, thankful to be alive. These animals crave love and attention, they prefer certain volunteers and get excited when they see said volunteers. I saw the house cat rub up against a goat and a chicken and a pig boop noses.
COEXISTENCE 
I spent much of my morning volunteering, with the pigs. I attempted at learning the names and to start  building trust.
The last two belly rub recipients were Miss Piggy and Bella. I stared into those deep brown eyes and never have I felt more connected with my higher power or self. I then rubbed their furry, freckled bellies for 45 minutes as I attempted to apologize in a way for the horrors and torture my fellow man has inflicted on their species.
For what it's worth.

We have much to learn from these peaceful beings. I thank god/Buddha/Mohummed/Mother Earth & Father Sky for people like Faith Ching, the owner and operator at Ching Farms.

I challenge you to boop noses with a pig and convince me you do not feel things.

To all the beings imprisoned in factory farms, cages, circus cars, zoos, laboratories, chains, puppy mills and kill shelters:
I am so sorry.
You deserve so much more than this cruel world. Rest easy beautiful souls.
Gone but NEVER Forgotten

Namate,
The 20-something old soul

Hello, nice to see you.

oh man, it sure has been a while since I've blogged or have even written for that matter.

3 months and 2 days to be exact

While I don't have any reason in particular that I have somewhat avoided allowing myself to tune out the world and write freely, I have taken a time out of sorts.

I can say it has been a few months of crucial change for me. Going into this summer I did not expect anything magical to come of it. Other than it being my last summer before I graduate college.... yeah that still doesn't feel real...

however I do feel like a different person bidding adieu to summer and cautiously welcoming Fall.

Anywho, here are some updates, if this is even fascinating to you, about my life since my last post.

My sister Paige Elizabeth got engaged over the 4th of July. On November 29th 2014 she will become Paige Elizabeth Dunshee.

I turned 21in the beautiful city of Whistler, Canada at Wanderlust. WOOOO coincidentally I spend most of my time at the dog park with my fur child instead of bars.

sorry I'm not.

I moved into a new house ie new roommates, new landlord aka bearded hippie man who does jack shit about our leaky faucet or any concern for that matter, I'm not bitter (more to come in later posts about this).
This said house is conveniently located by a certain someone... ( refer to blog post "I think about you everyday, Asshole"). The universe is kind of being a bitch currently but for whatever reason, she feels the need that I be no more than half a block from the my first heartbreak.

SOLID

I started my Senior year of college and have decided it's just like most other "exciting mile stones" as in not that big of a deal.

Was surprised by the necessity of taking 15 credit hours as opposed to my comfortable and perfectly capable 12. Once again, yay Senior year.

I've began to wrap my head, somewhat, around the reality that I have absolutely no clue where I'll be one year from this day.

I found the best dog park in Salt Lake where Rufus and I are weekly regulars.

I met a boy.

I have started thinking about the adventures I've been dreaming about as very possible post graduation.
 I could move to Montana next Fall and live with my best friend.
I could apply for that internship in Santa Monica
I could move to South Africa to kill some time
Travel the world with my fellow gypsy friend
I could finally go to Thailand and volunteer at the elephant sanctuary.
Grad school at BCU in Vancouver
Move to Portland
Move to Seattle

This wasn't what I expected my first blog post in 3 months would end up being about but patience is a virtue, gotta get back on that horse.

For now, I'm still that 20-something old soul taking it a day at a time.

Peace&blessings&Namaste

The F word

I am a feminist.

I think I'll let that one sink in for a second.

I am a feminist but I shave my armpits, I do in fact wear a bra on a regular basis and I like to kiss boys.

But I am a feminist.

With the recent chaos in the media about school shootings and gun regulations, may we not forget the recent tragedy at UCSB. Where a hate crime took place against women. Where 3 young women and 3 young men were killed, including the shooter, making a total of 7 bodies. As well as 13 wounded.

The motivation behind this attack, "annihilation of women". The disturbed killer was a 22 year old virgin out to seek revenge against the female population for "choosing other men to have sex with" instead of him, someone he described as an "alpha male". He believed that women at his school were intentionally denying "his right to sex".

Now I have my opinions on gun control but lets talk for a minute about the sexism and misogyny that were obvious proponents in this massacre.

This young man truly believed that the women he was interested in, owed him sex. And because they denied him that "right", they deserved to be slaughter. This is a prime example of objectification. The women who were targeted were no longer considered human beings to him, and instead merely sexual object denying him pleasure.

Immediately after this tragedy, the hashtag #yesallwomen began. A way of empowerment for women who have experienced, rape, sexual harassment, sexism etc. It was an attempt to create a conversation about the war on women that many people in this world are convinced does not exist nor deserves action.

Sexism and misogyny is a learned behavior, a social norm that has been embedded into our society since the beginning. It wasn't until 40 years ago with the first introduction of the feminist movement started. With this came the backlash on feminists who were simply fighting for equality and attempting to eradicate gender stereotypes.

The word feminism instantly adopted this inaccurate definition of crazy, lesbians out to ruin the male sex and burn some bras along the way. This is a shame, when in reality the definition of feminism goes something like this,

"noun: The theory of the political, economic and social equality of the sexes."

Scary huh?
Feminism is equality of the sexes.

I became interested in feminism and equality the summer after my freshman year of college. I had just transferred to the U and was taking some summer classes. I signed up for my first Gender Studies class and would forever be inspired and interested in the topic. The class was called "Gender and Contemporary Issues." This class was my first glimpse at the injustice that takes place all over the world and that having a vagina is a weakness. Mind you, these majestic and fascinating body parts are capable of giving life.. Weak, totally.

I also learned how socialized I have been growing up with these crazy ideals about women's bodies, abilities and all around purpose in this world. I realized that as much as all this new information angered me and the more I grew passionate about standing up for what I believe, I was also responsible for perpetuating this culture, by absentmindedly fueling the fire that is sexism.

Granted, it was not on purpose. I do not believe that people who are sexist are purposefully out to hurt women,  but it is how we've been raised to think. This is how it's always been. The Glass Ceiling has always been a part of the work force because let's be honest, women are meant to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen right?

I contributed to this by slut shaming, by calling a girl a bitch without even knowing her because for whatever reason she received more male attention, by not using my VOICE when I was a victim of sexual assault.
But then again I was also raised in this rape culture. I catch myself still today worrying about being skinny out of fear that a man will never like my body and will therefore never want to be with me. As if my breasts and my curves are for his pleasure and do not belong to me.

 As if I'd prefer to be looked at than listened to.

No, I am responsible for being ignorant to the issue and injustice against my own gender. But ignorant no longer. It was an easy decision to declare a second major in Gender Studies last Spring.

When I am asked about my areas of studying, I always expect to hear in response "Well what are you going to do with that"
I am going to be an informed human being of this world about the injustice against women.
I am going to be an activist and continue to fight the good fight and raise awareness about rape culture.
I am going to continue to own my body with confidence and remind myself that I am not here solely to please a man.
I am going to continue to be an advocate for the middle school girls that I mentor.
I am going to be a feminist.

Because we teach girls how to not get raped, as opposed to teaching boys NOT to rape. #YesAllWomen

Because for high school graduation I received pepper spray to bring to college. #YesAllWomen

Just because I have a uterus does not mean I have to be a mother in the future. #YesAllWomen

Because Feminists are "crazy man haters" #YesAllWomen

Because I'm hear to be looked at, not listened to. #YesAllWomen

Because I was only 6 years old and he was a teenage boy who thought I was pretty, so I must have asked for it. #YesAllWomen

Because I learned what a Rufie was in 7th grade. #YesAllWomen

Because getting ready to go out always ends up being a battle between what is "hot" and what is comfortable. #YesAllWomen

Because getting checked out in the gym is not flattering, its actually quite uncomfortable. #YesAllWomen

Because no one "deserves" sex. #YesAllWomen

"When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch."- Bette Davis #YesAllWomen

"I'm tough, I'm ambitious and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay."-Madonna
#YesAllWomen

Because being called a Pussy is an insult. #YesAllWomen

Because 14 year old girls are getting boob jobs. #YesAllWomen

Because being an openly sexual woman
means I'm a slut. #YesAllWomen

Because of the sexual double standard. #YesAllWomen

"Why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If ya wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."-Sheng Wang #YesAllWomen

Because Modest is NOT Hottest. #YesAllWomen

"Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings." #YesAllWomen

Because women like orgasms too. #YesAllWomen

Because I am not my biological clock. #YesAllWomen

Because it's my body. #YesAllWomen.

Namaste
The 20-something old soul

Dreaming of You

Dreaming is a fascinating thing.

Like the actual act of your incredible noggin going through the REM cycle, displaying images from either reality or deep sub-consciousness.
I think dreaming is a gift, something that cannot always be deciphered.
When we're asleep, we're at our most vulnerable. We are no longer on guard, our walls are down, we are resting and rejuvenating for the next chaotic day.

I have been fortunate to have been visited by my loved ones who have passed away, in my dreams.
Sometimes it would be a mere feeling or the essence of them, but I was confident that it was their soul. Other times, I interact with these people. We may speak or just look at each other.

I feel lucky that a very important person has been visiting recently.

My brother Chad passed away 5 years ago from a genetic, terminal disease. Losing him was the hardest , most heart-wrenching experience. I could not physically imagine life without him. He was my world, my everything, my reason for existence.
How was I possibly going to get through this without him? High School was shitty enough. He died in the middle of my sophomore year, also known as the epitome of awkwardness and life as a brace face. All I wanted to be worrying about was Prom. 
But that never had and never would be my reality.
 I created my identity in him, I was His sister.
God, I was so proud to be his little sister. I felt so lucky, to be in his presence for 15 years.

So these dreams.

I remember vividly the first dream Chad visited me.

It was freshman year of college, I was asleep in my dorm room the first week of the semester. I was missing my best friend and trusted confidant.

And then there he was. I remember from the dream crying, more like sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath; I was beside myself. I was in a bright, white room. Nothing around me. And out of no where, I was enveloped in love and I felt warm arms wrapped around me.

It was Chad.

I've had a few others similar to the first. One was with my step brother Austin who passed away 3 years before Chad. He was comforting me. I was sad about losing Chad and He said to me,

"It's okay, he's with me now."

I believe in Dreams. I believe that our minds are mysteries and dreams are glimpses into our soul. Dreams should be appreciated and sometimes not taken too seriously. But when the significance is there, they should be cherished.

Above: The incredible spirit I have the privilege to call my brother

Above: The tattoo I'd been wanting for years. I chose the left wrist for the same side as my heart, " I wear my heart on my sleeve.." The placement's significance were Chad's hands. My favorite thing to do was to hold them. He also had scars on his wrists from several surgeries. 

Dreams are incredible.

They can connect us with people, things and situations that may not be possible in the real world. We can relive that moment with that person who changed our life, experience a goal that is just out of reach and sometimes we wake up and shake our heads with bewilderment of that crazy, nonsense that just took place in our brains.


" I've got two hands, one beating heart, and I'll be alright, I'm gonna be alright"
The 20-something old soul

Home is Wherever I am with You.

" You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place, like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again."

-Azar Nafisi

Well, a lot has changed since my last post. But like my tattoo and my dad always tell me  "The only constant in life is change."
I moved out of the house I called home for the past two years in Salt Lake City. The infamous Victorian Secret, or "The VS". It's amazing how the most worldly possessions, like a house, can be some of the hardest to let go. I moved to Salt Lake after my freshman year of college for a new start, another shot at college after my original plan did not work out. I was terrified to leave my beloved home and comfort of Phoenix, Arizona, but I needed to grow up and I wanted to experience college.

I moved into my shoebox of a room after my first summer in Salt Lake. It was perfect location, 2 blocks from campus and my new roommates soon became my new Kappa sisters. That house was like a revolving door and known as the Kappa satellite house. When I moved out last week, I had been living there the longest of all the roommates at the time.

Two years. Gone in a blink of an eye. 

Where had the time gone? That house had held some of the best and worst memories of my University of Utah experiences. I left with a bittersweet taste about the VS. I experienced my first real heartbreak in that house, I lost my best friend whilst living in that house, I had plenty of personal struggles take place within those old Victorian walls. 

That room knew all my secrets. 

But I was also adopted by my Big in that house, finally feeling wanted in my sorority. I received the call that would change my life, informing me I would be spending Summer 2013 in Tanzania, Africa. A lot of Life took place in that house. I grew into the almost 21 year old that I am, I became independent, and experienced my first taste of being an adult. All while attempting the balancing act of a social life, college and being authentic to my own soul.

Bittersweet

But much like a handful of other scenarios at the close of this year, it was time to say 

Goodbye.

So here I am, sitting in my high school bedroom in Phoenix, Arizona. I decided it was in my best interest to spend my summer back home. But as I sit here, the flood gate of memories and heartache from both my home and college life are constantly running through my head. I find that when I am home I miss my life in Salt Lake and create this amazing scenarios in my head for the next time I will be back. How Senior year will be the best yet, I'll be surrounded by true and authentic friends who care about me, I'll go out and soak up my last few months of "the best 4 years of my life" accompanied by people I will never forget. 

And vice versa.

My expectations for my summer back home are just as hopeful. I'd reconnect with my high school friends as if 3 years hadn't gone by; pretend that we were the same naive and scared 18 year olds about to embark on the scariest adventure of our lives thus far. I'd be surrounded by people who love me, who've been with me every step of the way, have seen the chaos that was my childhood, who understand me. I'd be filled up with positive energy and vibes so that I could return to Salt Lake with a new found confidence, ready to conquer my final year of undergrad. 

And while so far, many of these things are true, what I have come to understand is that putting these expectations on people or scenarios is destined for failure. I too easily place my happiness in other peoples' hands and when it does not go as planned, I am shattered.

Why do we create such unrealistic expectations? Why do we look for happiness outside of ourselves and through events we have zero control over? That''s asking to be upset.

My goal this summer is to continue on my journey of self-love, finding happiness within myself and not look to other people to fulfill certain things for me. I hope to be content with myself and my self growth and to forget the need to "seem happy and confident" but to truly radiate positivity and gratitude. I will no longer convince the people in my life that I am worthy of love and that I am a lovable and loyal person. I will allow who and what comes to come and stay, and allow who and what leaves, to go. 

Stay Strong you beautiful humans and don't stress TOO much. 

None of us make it out of this thing alive.

Namaste, 

the20-somethingoldsoul.

                                         The Big and I doing our "koala"

Big Sister graduating+ mama bear<3

A Celebration

Let me tell you a little about my best friend. Let me tell you about one of the strongest people I've had the privilege of getting to know and calling my soul sister.
Let me tell you a story of strength and resiliency.

Let me tell you about Catalina Eleanore Ritzinger.

Cata was born on April 10th, 1993 kicking & screaming; ready for this crazy thing called life.
She is the oldest of 3 girls. She is multi-lingual speaking German, Spanish, Italian and English.

Catalina is a dancer. She has more rhythm than I could ever dream. I hope one day, I'll have the opportunity to her create her art.

I met Cata almost two years ago. We shared an instant connection and understanding of life; the bigger picture. We both love animals (I have successfully converted her to vegetarianism (:, we want to travel the world (preferably together), we want to adopt our children ( or I'll be her oven if need be), we want to be activists, fighting for the voiceless, speaking out for the injustices of this world.

We are soul sisters.

We do differ however, Catalina is a two time cancer SURVIVOR. Did I mention she's only 21?
 She's undergone countless surgeries and procedures. With the news of her upcoming surgery, more devastating news, Cata has written a sort of Bucket List.

I will forever be grateful for being able to help her cross some of these items off her list.
This past weekend we traveled to Indio, California for the Coachella Music and Arts Festival. It being my second time and her first.
Now prior to our departure, I received many skeptical responses to this endeavor. Due to her health and physical condition, the only way we could make this trip possible was for her to use a wheelchair.
Not a problem. I've spent my fair share of time pushing a wheelchair,

 it was 5 years ago and the passenger was my brother Chad.

Ask anyone who's been to Coachella and they will confirm the magical experience that is is. A Woodstock of this era, if you will.

I've never told Catalina this, but she's always reminded me of Chad. They share the same spirit, huge heart and those

big brown eyes. 

Pushing Cata in this wheelchair for the weekend, I was able to relive all those years that I took pride in pushing Chad in his wheelchair. I felt so lucky to be in the presence of someone with such strength and despite the heartache and pain, has not allowed this cruel world to make them bitter or hard.

Yes, it was exhausting and hot and I got overwhelmed a few times this weekend, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I will forever cherish those endless conversations in our even longer car rides to and from Indio, about life, what we want from it and what we think we're really supposed to be doing here. Those will forever be special and irreplaceable.

Upon our return to reality, to Utah and to our beloved sorority, Kappa, we hosted a summer celebration soiree called Kappa Kountry. Here's the catch, it was all for Cata.
Another sister and I decided a few weeks back that we wanted surprise her with something huge, we wanted to envelop her in love and support as she embarks on the biggest change of her life this summer. The support and attendance was overhwhelming.
Currently $7,200 has been raised for Catalina and her family. But what's more, is all of the love and positive vibes that came with the guests.

If you feel so inclined, here is the link to donate. I am amazed at the generosity and growing number of donations.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/cata-s-army-/168080

Cata, here is what I was unable to form into words yesterday at our sisterhood:

I know we were meant to meet. There was some divine intervention so that our paths would cross. You are one of the reasons I am still in Utah and still a Kappa. You keep me going. Learning about your life and your family has meant more to me than you will ever know. I look up to you in so many ways. Your maturity and composure even when you were being told the scariest news. I feel honored that you entrusted in me the latest news regarding your health. I was at a loss for words. We just cried together. One of the most sincere and raw experiences I've ever had with another human.

And I promised 

you right then and there, that you would never have to be alone. And you won't. I believe in keeping my promise, and I'll be by your side every step of the way. I cannot wait for the rest of our lives. We have quite the adventure ahead of us my dear. And there is no one else I'd rather go with than you. Cata and Brooke vs. The World.

Namaste my beautiful soul sister,
The 20-something old soul

Scar Tissue and Spring Cleaning

With the changing weather from mid 30's/40's to around 65/70 degrees. So do many other changes take place. Spring has always been a surreal season for me. Looking back on these past 10 years, whenever Spring came along with all its warming glory, so did the milestones, graduations &
changes.

So this week I found myself getting in that Spring cleaning mode; out with the old, in with the new. And I'm not just referring going through my wardrobe and de-cluttering my nightstand,
I've been in the process of Spring Cleaning my life of negativity and toxic relationships as well.

Just like they say one's relationship with food is a direct reflection to their love life and self worth, as is going through one's wardrobe. This year has been one of growth. I grew as a 20 year old ( leaving the teen years for good, I've grown as a sister, daughter and college student. My body has also done a bit of growing as well.

Now here comes the personal stuff:

I have struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. I was not blessed with the fast metabolism as a child, whatever I ate, made it's appearance on my belly, thighs and cheeks one way or another. I also grew up with an abusive and controlling step father who reminded me of my less than desirable body type and related it back to my inability to succeed in my beloved sport of swimming.

Now I know every woman at some point in her life, whether it be during that black hole of awkwardness also known as puberty, those crazy self-conscious college years or maybe post pregnancy, struggle with their body image and confidence.  I however have had the same thoughts and ideas about my figure and self esteem for my almost 21 years of life.

And its exhausting.

So as i sorted through my clothes, trying to be as brutal as possible to part with my juvenile style from high school, I found myself face to face with my biggest nightmare.

Those infamous size 24 shorts that I easily fit into a year ago from today.

Like I mentioned before, Junior year involved a lot of growing. One that I am not in particularly excited about is my body. My sophomore year of college I suffered from a brief stage of anorexia. Fall 2012/Spring 2013 I was the closest I have ever been to liking my body. With my health and family's concern as the price.

Not Acceptable. In my distorted mindset about myself.

The majority of the weight gain took place last summer while I was in Africa. I was floored when I returned home excited to wear my shorts for the first time that summer to find them far too small. I stepped onto that plane at 108 and stepped off back in America at 130. I was crushed. Leading up to my trip I would think to myself how skinny I'd be when I returned home. No one goes to Africa and GAINS weight.

False.

Re reading my journal from Africa I remember being frustrated with myself as I slowly noticed my body changing and freaking out about it. I was not in Africa to focus on me and waste energy worrying about gaining a few pounds.

But it was 22 pounds. And being a survivor of anorexia and all the mental issues that come with the disease, I was becoming obsessive. I kept telling myself that I knew exactly what I needed to do to get back to my ideal weight ASAP once I got home. I'd done it before, I'd do it again. I had to. Being skinny meant everything to me. Gave me self worth, it meant that I was lovable and attractive and that finally, I was no longer the fat girl. 

This time was different. Merely restricting what I ate and simply not eating was not working. This past Fall I fell deeper and deeper into my downward spiral of self hate for gaining that weight after all I had done to get where I was, pre-Africa. The 20th year has *blessed* me with a more womanly figure complete with breasts, hips and a once coveted booty. 

While I continue to struggle with this new body of mine everyday, I'm trying my best to embrace this change amongst all others that are and will take place this Spring. 

- I will end my Junior year in two weeks with an added major in Gender Studies.

- I will move out of the house that I called home these two years I've been in Utah.

- I will say see ya later, not goodbye, to my sister as she graduates and embarks on the biggest adventure of her life thus far: adulthood and Florence, Italy.

- I will spend my first summer back home in my loved state of Arizona after 2 years.

- I will deepen my love and dedication to my practice of yoga. 

- I will celebrate my 21st with my mother in Whistler, Canada at Wanderlust. 

- I will say goodbye to a once cherished friendship, now turned toxic and negative.

- I will say hello to my new roommate and home that will be filled with love, positivity and good vibes.

- I will allow myself to heal and mend my broken heart from a love long gone, finally. 

- I will continue to work on loving my new body, curves and all, and realize that I am so much more than a number on the scale or tag.

Come What May

Stay Strong you beautiful Humans.

Namaste,

the 20-something old soul

I think about you everyday. Asshole.

We can live like jack and sally, if you want;

I miss you.

I’ve been working on this post for a while now. What’s held me back from posting it?

Fear. Of judgment. Of

You.

The knots in my stomach that always seem to appear when I think about you.

The Feels; oh the feels that these thoughts provoke.

Possibly Alexithymia: Difficulty describing feelings to other people.

I planned on posting it a bit ago and even as I waited for the internet to load, I made a deal with myself:

“If the webpage doesn’t load in by the next minute, then I’m not meant to post it today… regardless of my painfully slow internet connection that has been plaguing my household for 2 years.”

But alas; I will not hide from my passionate and deep ways. Here goes nothing....

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you. Yes, there's chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.

Heart break. Broken heart. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. Bullshit. Time to be vulnerable Valerie for a second. Yes, I am heartbroken, I’m sure pretty you know who you are.

Don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head….

It may be incredibly cliché to compare a heartbreak to lyrics, but that’s what I’ve been compelled to do.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, maybe this thing wasn’t a masterpiece, so you tore it all up.

It is true that the past few months I’ve been convincing myself of all the possibilities of “what went wrong”.

 We went too fast too soon. 
We declared our baggage the first time we spent together. 
We surrendered our brokenness to each other’s judgements. 
It was then, that I knew you were different.

It was then, when I realized I wanted to take that jump, dive head first into the unknown with you.

Maybe that is when you ran scared.

I think back to that night, sitting on that hill, and at least for a few seconds I can smile and relive those butterflies.

Relive our first kiss.

Can I also add how impeccable your timing is? I’ll be doing great, distracting myself, taking care of me with the things that bring me joy;  “I’m finally moving on!” and it’s as if you have a radar for this, before I know it, there you are. Making an appearance in my life one way or another.

I think about you everyday. Asshole.

It doesn’t help that you were the male version of me. And now all my favorite artists are just haunting reminders of you.

Now although it may not seem so, I wish you no harm.

 The bitterness is the broken heart talking, and I am a human, who experiences pain and loss.

And I lost you.

I only hope for your happiness.  

Remember, I know you. 

I know of the tragedy you have experienced and the loss. To be honest, my heart breaks for you. And all I ever wanted was to be there. For you to allow me to love you, with all your brokenness. My hope was that we could mend each other. There is so much of my own,

scare tissue that I wish you saw.

Maybe it was the timing. I sometimes think to myself, maybe fast forward ten years, we bump into each other at a coffee shop and it would have been better timing. For both of us.

I can’t help it, I love the broken ones, the ones who need the most patching up… and maybe I, see a part of me in them..

sometimes I think about you waking up one morning and regretting how things played out.

Your eyes they shine so bright, I want to save that light. I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you, but with the beast inside, there’s no where we can hide. No matter what we breathe, we still are made of greed, this is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come… it’s where my demons hide, it’s where my demons hide.

only know you love her when you let her go.

The playlist is endless. And I find new tracks being added everyday.

Losing him was blue, like I’ve never known, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was black, trying to know somebody you’ve never met.

But loving him was Red.

This is my goodbye of sorts. A final push for myself to heal and mend my heart. I have been needing to release these thoughts and musings out into this world for some time and this is my way of being kind to my spirit and soul. 

Goodbye to you.

Namaste,

The 20-something old soul.

"The only Constant in life, is Change."

April 1, 2014

Wow, how time flies.

I feel as if every time a big milestone comes up for my older sister, I get equally as anxious; being that we are only 22 months in age and a year apart in school. She had 8th grade Promotion, then I had 8th grade Promotion; She graduated from high school and then BAM! I graduated from high school. Next on the list, College graduation... And I'm right behind her.
wowza

This time feels different, however. My sister Paige will be graduating with a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature, spending her last summer in good ol' Salt Lake City and then proceeding to move to Florence, Italy to work with Language Corps for a year. And for whatever reason, this fact just hit me:

We are going to be separated by thousands of miles and lots of ocean. 

Last summer was our first real test of distance. You see, my sister and I, although being incredibly opposite, have been inseparable from as early as I can remember. This being the case mainly because all I wanted to do was tag along with my big sister in all the mischievous adventures she had planned. I even followed her to the university we are both currently attending, even after my stubborn little self refused and opted for an instate school for all of .5 seconds before transferring.

So while my sister and I couldn't be more polar opposite, even by looks, Me with dark brown curly hair, dark eyes, darker complexion, petite ( a whopping 5 feet and 2 inches!) My personality being out spoken, stubborn,( dare to argue a little sassy and sarcastic?), a little more on the emotional side and sensitive, pushing the limits, asking the questions and you better believe I live up to my sign characteristics! 100% LEO.  Roar.

And my sister being taller, gorgeous green eyes, alabaster skin, quieter, observant, reserved, never wanting to step on anyone's toes, dedicated to what she decides is important to her, meanwhile I can't sit still,  on the shyer side, motherly, she practically half raised me. Despite all these differences, we're close. And not in the normally understood definition of "close". We've both had our "STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!" moments with each other,
I'm talking about a closeness that only two sisters growing up with our childhood would understand.

Her freshman year of college/my senior year in high school was a crucial turning point in our relationship. It was the first year that I, Brooke, was not in the shadow of my gorgeous older sister Paige. Not that being the younger sister is all that bad, but being the only "Pyper" left at our school was new.
And I liked it.

My mom would put it as "I blossomed into who I am, as an individual." I became more outspoken, confident and finally felt authentic with my true self.

Any who, Paige and I's relationship was never better. We could love at a distance and have our own lives to update each other.
With my big sis graduating and continuing to turn into the adult she is, also comes another milestone, another chance for our relationship to grow, adapt and progress.
                                                        From a distance. 
I'm looking forward to my Senior year of college.. (holy guacamole).

To tie in the title of this post, "The only Constant in Life is change," this quote, from my father, has always been applicable in my life. My childhood was anything but stable and it was constantly changing and chaotic. But his piece of advice has proven itself time and time again during these short 20 years of my life thus far. 

Especially being in college, when every semester is different from the last and with every ending of a year, more and more people say goodbye to you and their own personal college careers,
so once again,
"The only constant in life, is change."

Oh, here's my new tat representing this lovely piece of advice (: A delta- being the mathematical symbol for change.

The sis and I, back in the good ol' days.

                        Oh, Senior Prom. What did I tell ya about the polar opposite thing? Am I right or what?

Love Always,

the 20-something old soul.

Just Donut

Oh my soul is happy today!

Today was the 1st Annual Kappa Kappa Gamma Donut Dash. I have the privilege to serve as my sorority's philanthropy chair for 2014.

My sisters established faith in me to completely revamp our philanthropy this year. And revamp I did! I decided to play the guinea pig and create a whole new event from the ground up, as opposed to continuing the traditional events we have each year. 

Now this post is by no means a chance to ruffle my own feathers and proclaim how successful the event was today. 

No, this is a post of gratitude. Never have I felt more supported than during this experience and especially today. The trust my sisters put in me to go against the norm, and us Kappas tend to be creatures of habit, means the world to me. 

But not only that, the work ethic, enthusiasm and positivity that was expressed today by my sisters was incredible. I am in awe with their ability to take initiative and complete tasks that I had not even thought about. 

                                        I will forever be grateful.

I must't leave out all the participants and supporters that chose to wake up early, run a 5k and eat 9 donut holes (possibly throwing up) when they could have spent their lovely weekend doing numerous other activities. Oh, I don't know, For example, 

                    sleeping. 

YOU are my heros. I am reminded why I chose to be part of the Greek system at my wonderful University. I felt so loved and supported by those who I have had the privilege to call my friends as well as those who I had only heard of or seen briefly whilst on the row. 

THANK YOU

From the bottom of my heart. I don't think I will every truly be able to express just how thankful I am I wish I could come up with a synonym for "thank you" because it just does not do it justice. I feel like I have gained new friends and it feels amazing.

This blog is about gratitude. I feel as if the Universe was reading my mind and listening to the messages that my heart was subconsciously sending out. I was starving for connection in every way possible, and received that and so much more. 

After cleaning up the last of the streamers and orange peels from today's event. I had the unique opportunity to take the left over bagels (bagels for dayyzzzz) and donate them. Myself as well as 3 of my lovely sisters opted to stop at a well known area for homeless people to gather. The three of us walked up and down the street offering water bottles, bagels and muffins from the race.

This was the highlight of my day and the best reward I could have received. An important concept that I strive to live by regarding my service work, is to always create "human experiences". Human experiences are getting out into the community and making it known that there are individuals who care. The people receiving the bagels and water were some of the most gracious, kind and thankful that I have ever met. Smiling and chatting with them, reaching out, breaking down the stigma, is crucial for any act of service.

 Realizing that they are just people, who have fallen on hard times, and it could easily been any of us. Bridging that gap between "us" and "them", loving our neighbor and fellow man/ woman. These are human experiences that I hope everyone can have someday. 

Yes my soul is smiling from ear to ear today. I am reminded once again, why I am here, why I surround my self with the people I surround myself with, why the position of Philanthropy chair landed so nicely into my lap and why I love what I do and believe about this world; why

"those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

Namaste and Peace&Blessings.

These are a few of my Passions

I recently applied for a Young Humanitarian Scholarship.

I'm going to ruffle my feathers for a second and say I am extremely proud of my essay responses. It flowed out of me, once I read the question, I took to my laptop and typed, typed, typed away.

The result goes something like this:

The most influential and impacting service experience I’ve had was my summer in Tanzania, Africa with Support for International Change summer 2013. Our mission was to educate locals about Public Health and mainly HIV/AIDs transmission, testing and prevention. 

As a very young girl, I always dreamed of going to Africa. For whatever reason, there was this connection and pull. I knew I had to go. Leading up to my departure date I would explain to anyone who was interested that

 I wanted to be shoved out of my comfort zone, on every level. 

I wanted to be challenged physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It being 6 months upon my arrival home, the expression “be careful what you wish for" comes to mind.

 The challenging experience I’m referring to was my mental breakdown that almost compelled me to leave my trip two weeks early. I had seen emaciated and dirty children. I saw the affects of a patriarchal society and the oppression of women. I was done. I will forever be grateful for the conversation I had with my mom discussing the decision I was attempting to make. I’m a strong believer in energy, vibes and the universe. My mom said something to me that will forever be special in my life. 
The universe gave me everything I had asked for. I wanted a raw, reality of giving back. I did not want someone to hold my hand and let me have a warm shower. I wanted to experience everything whole heartedly and in the most authentic way. And I did. This experience taught me that the intention behind any act of kindness or service is everything. 
I wish that everyone could experience one selfless act and completely commit their whole hearts, souls and efforts. Giving yourself completely to the benefit of someone else is the most genuine definition of service.  That is something that I’ll take with me for the rest of my life and the rest of my humanitarian endeavors.

A volunteer to me is a person who is giving of their time to help out a worthy cause. A humanitarian is cut from a different cloth. A humanitarian is passionate about changing this world we live in with every fiber of their being. Someone who is positive and hopeful for the future but also not naive of the atrocities and injustices that have and continue to take place. A humanitarian is someone who accepted at a young age that their purpose for their time on Earth is to leave it better than when they got here. A humanitarian believes in the power of one,

"Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the one's who do."

 I am a humanitarian. I have plans of dedicating my life to helping those who are voiceless and in need; Starting with my education and majors in Sociology and Gender Studies. But also they way I live. By striving to not leave a negative environmental impact, by speaking up when I believe it is necessary, by going against the grain and being proud of that. By recycling. And loving as much as I can with my whole heart. By fighting for the polar bears, feeding the hungry, hugging the distraught.

In Africa, I noticed that the smallest act of kindness made the biggest impact. I had 5 "siblings" at my homestay. Before I left I gathered as much items as I could to give to my family to thank them for housing me and feeding me and to show them that there are people out there that care. On the night before I was scheduled to fly home, I handed out the last of my gifts. One of my brothers, Hodgi, was on the shy side and never made his presence a big deal, he would stand in the shadows and never make eye contact with me. Many of the children in my village had flimsy, thin, sandal-type shoes made of a foam material. Hodgi was an active fellow and loved running around with his friends. I had brought a pair of tennis shoes. 

My final gift was for Hodgi. 

I handed him my shoes, he was hesitant at first but then carefully took them from my hands, sat right down and put them on his feet. They fit perfectly. He spent the next 10 minutes staring down at his feet, admiring his new shoes in awe. He then, for the first time, looked me straight in the eyes, deep into my soul, and smiled.

Humanitarian has the word "human" in it. It is these human experiences that we have with each other that have the most impact. I will forever be grateful for my human experience with Hodgi and many other people of my village.