Scar Tissue and Spring Cleaning

With the changing weather from mid 30's/40's to around 65/70 degrees. So do many other changes take place. Spring has always been a surreal season for me. Looking back on these past 10 years, whenever Spring came along with all its warming glory, so did the milestones, graduations &
changes.

So this week I found myself getting in that Spring cleaning mode; out with the old, in with the new. And I'm not just referring going through my wardrobe and de-cluttering my nightstand,
I've been in the process of Spring Cleaning my life of negativity and toxic relationships as well.

Just like they say one's relationship with food is a direct reflection to their love life and self worth, as is going through one's wardrobe. This year has been one of growth. I grew as a 20 year old ( leaving the teen years for good, I've grown as a sister, daughter and college student. My body has also done a bit of growing as well.

Now here comes the personal stuff:

I have struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. I was not blessed with the fast metabolism as a child, whatever I ate, made it's appearance on my belly, thighs and cheeks one way or another. I also grew up with an abusive and controlling step father who reminded me of my less than desirable body type and related it back to my inability to succeed in my beloved sport of swimming.

Now I know every woman at some point in her life, whether it be during that black hole of awkwardness also known as puberty, those crazy self-conscious college years or maybe post pregnancy, struggle with their body image and confidence.  I however have had the same thoughts and ideas about my figure and self esteem for my almost 21 years of life.

And its exhausting.

So as i sorted through my clothes, trying to be as brutal as possible to part with my juvenile style from high school, I found myself face to face with my biggest nightmare.

Those infamous size 24 shorts that I easily fit into a year ago from today.

Like I mentioned before, Junior year involved a lot of growing. One that I am not in particularly excited about is my body. My sophomore year of college I suffered from a brief stage of anorexia. Fall 2012/Spring 2013 I was the closest I have ever been to liking my body. With my health and family's concern as the price.

Not Acceptable. In my distorted mindset about myself.

The majority of the weight gain took place last summer while I was in Africa. I was floored when I returned home excited to wear my shorts for the first time that summer to find them far too small. I stepped onto that plane at 108 and stepped off back in America at 130. I was crushed. Leading up to my trip I would think to myself how skinny I'd be when I returned home. No one goes to Africa and GAINS weight.

False.

Re reading my journal from Africa I remember being frustrated with myself as I slowly noticed my body changing and freaking out about it. I was not in Africa to focus on me and waste energy worrying about gaining a few pounds.

But it was 22 pounds. And being a survivor of anorexia and all the mental issues that come with the disease, I was becoming obsessive. I kept telling myself that I knew exactly what I needed to do to get back to my ideal weight ASAP once I got home. I'd done it before, I'd do it again. I had to. Being skinny meant everything to me. Gave me self worth, it meant that I was lovable and attractive and that finally, I was no longer the fat girl. 

This time was different. Merely restricting what I ate and simply not eating was not working. This past Fall I fell deeper and deeper into my downward spiral of self hate for gaining that weight after all I had done to get where I was, pre-Africa. The 20th year has *blessed* me with a more womanly figure complete with breasts, hips and a once coveted booty. 

While I continue to struggle with this new body of mine everyday, I'm trying my best to embrace this change amongst all others that are and will take place this Spring. 

- I will end my Junior year in two weeks with an added major in Gender Studies.

- I will move out of the house that I called home these two years I've been in Utah.

- I will say see ya later, not goodbye, to my sister as she graduates and embarks on the biggest adventure of her life thus far: adulthood and Florence, Italy.

- I will spend my first summer back home in my loved state of Arizona after 2 years.

- I will deepen my love and dedication to my practice of yoga. 

- I will celebrate my 21st with my mother in Whistler, Canada at Wanderlust. 

- I will say goodbye to a once cherished friendship, now turned toxic and negative.

- I will say hello to my new roommate and home that will be filled with love, positivity and good vibes.

- I will allow myself to heal and mend my broken heart from a love long gone, finally. 

- I will continue to work on loving my new body, curves and all, and realize that I am so much more than a number on the scale or tag.

Come What May

Stay Strong you beautiful Humans.

Namaste,

the 20-something old soul