Dreaming of You

Dreaming is a fascinating thing.

Like the actual act of your incredible noggin going through the REM cycle, displaying images from either reality or deep sub-consciousness.
I think dreaming is a gift, something that cannot always be deciphered.
When we're asleep, we're at our most vulnerable. We are no longer on guard, our walls are down, we are resting and rejuvenating for the next chaotic day.

I have been fortunate to have been visited by my loved ones who have passed away, in my dreams.
Sometimes it would be a mere feeling or the essence of them, but I was confident that it was their soul. Other times, I interact with these people. We may speak or just look at each other.

I feel lucky that a very important person has been visiting recently.

My brother Chad passed away 5 years ago from a genetic, terminal disease. Losing him was the hardest , most heart-wrenching experience. I could not physically imagine life without him. He was my world, my everything, my reason for existence.
How was I possibly going to get through this without him? High School was shitty enough. He died in the middle of my sophomore year, also known as the epitome of awkwardness and life as a brace face. All I wanted to be worrying about was Prom. 
But that never had and never would be my reality.
 I created my identity in him, I was His sister.
God, I was so proud to be his little sister. I felt so lucky, to be in his presence for 15 years.

So these dreams.

I remember vividly the first dream Chad visited me.

It was freshman year of college, I was asleep in my dorm room the first week of the semester. I was missing my best friend and trusted confidant.

And then there he was. I remember from the dream crying, more like sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath; I was beside myself. I was in a bright, white room. Nothing around me. And out of no where, I was enveloped in love and I felt warm arms wrapped around me.

It was Chad.

I've had a few others similar to the first. One was with my step brother Austin who passed away 3 years before Chad. He was comforting me. I was sad about losing Chad and He said to me,

"It's okay, he's with me now."

I believe in Dreams. I believe that our minds are mysteries and dreams are glimpses into our soul. Dreams should be appreciated and sometimes not taken too seriously. But when the significance is there, they should be cherished.

Above: The incredible spirit I have the privilege to call my brother

Above: The tattoo I'd been wanting for years. I chose the left wrist for the same side as my heart, " I wear my heart on my sleeve.." The placement's significance were Chad's hands. My favorite thing to do was to hold them. He also had scars on his wrists from several surgeries. 

Dreams are incredible.

They can connect us with people, things and situations that may not be possible in the real world. We can relive that moment with that person who changed our life, experience a goal that is just out of reach and sometimes we wake up and shake our heads with bewilderment of that crazy, nonsense that just took place in our brains.


" I've got two hands, one beating heart, and I'll be alright, I'm gonna be alright"
The 20-something old soul

Home is Wherever I am with You.

" You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place, like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again."

-Azar Nafisi

Well, a lot has changed since my last post. But like my tattoo and my dad always tell me  "The only constant in life is change."
I moved out of the house I called home for the past two years in Salt Lake City. The infamous Victorian Secret, or "The VS". It's amazing how the most worldly possessions, like a house, can be some of the hardest to let go. I moved to Salt Lake after my freshman year of college for a new start, another shot at college after my original plan did not work out. I was terrified to leave my beloved home and comfort of Phoenix, Arizona, but I needed to grow up and I wanted to experience college.

I moved into my shoebox of a room after my first summer in Salt Lake. It was perfect location, 2 blocks from campus and my new roommates soon became my new Kappa sisters. That house was like a revolving door and known as the Kappa satellite house. When I moved out last week, I had been living there the longest of all the roommates at the time.

Two years. Gone in a blink of an eye. 

Where had the time gone? That house had held some of the best and worst memories of my University of Utah experiences. I left with a bittersweet taste about the VS. I experienced my first real heartbreak in that house, I lost my best friend whilst living in that house, I had plenty of personal struggles take place within those old Victorian walls. 

That room knew all my secrets. 

But I was also adopted by my Big in that house, finally feeling wanted in my sorority. I received the call that would change my life, informing me I would be spending Summer 2013 in Tanzania, Africa. A lot of Life took place in that house. I grew into the almost 21 year old that I am, I became independent, and experienced my first taste of being an adult. All while attempting the balancing act of a social life, college and being authentic to my own soul.

Bittersweet

But much like a handful of other scenarios at the close of this year, it was time to say 

Goodbye.

So here I am, sitting in my high school bedroom in Phoenix, Arizona. I decided it was in my best interest to spend my summer back home. But as I sit here, the flood gate of memories and heartache from both my home and college life are constantly running through my head. I find that when I am home I miss my life in Salt Lake and create this amazing scenarios in my head for the next time I will be back. How Senior year will be the best yet, I'll be surrounded by true and authentic friends who care about me, I'll go out and soak up my last few months of "the best 4 years of my life" accompanied by people I will never forget. 

And vice versa.

My expectations for my summer back home are just as hopeful. I'd reconnect with my high school friends as if 3 years hadn't gone by; pretend that we were the same naive and scared 18 year olds about to embark on the scariest adventure of our lives thus far. I'd be surrounded by people who love me, who've been with me every step of the way, have seen the chaos that was my childhood, who understand me. I'd be filled up with positive energy and vibes so that I could return to Salt Lake with a new found confidence, ready to conquer my final year of undergrad. 

And while so far, many of these things are true, what I have come to understand is that putting these expectations on people or scenarios is destined for failure. I too easily place my happiness in other peoples' hands and when it does not go as planned, I am shattered.

Why do we create such unrealistic expectations? Why do we look for happiness outside of ourselves and through events we have zero control over? That''s asking to be upset.

My goal this summer is to continue on my journey of self-love, finding happiness within myself and not look to other people to fulfill certain things for me. I hope to be content with myself and my self growth and to forget the need to "seem happy and confident" but to truly radiate positivity and gratitude. I will no longer convince the people in my life that I am worthy of love and that I am a lovable and loyal person. I will allow who and what comes to come and stay, and allow who and what leaves, to go. 

Stay Strong you beautiful humans and don't stress TOO much. 

None of us make it out of this thing alive.

Namaste, 

the20-somethingoldsoul.

                                         The Big and I doing our "koala"

Big Sister graduating+ mama bear<3