I Run

I'm a runner.
I bail when life just gets too much to handle.
I opt out of saying the awkward "goodbyes", so instead I slip away in the night without leaving a trace.
I've completely uprooted my life.
I left my first college, freshman year after a negative encounter with a fellow student, but to avoid the uncomfortable, "I was almost raped my freshman year of college" conversation, I simply said, "I had a freshman freakout."
and i left.  
I leave places, people, situations, environments, energy, relationships,
as soon as I sense a level of discomfort or uncertainty. Sometimes I think it's a coping mechanism, other times, a

 Cop Out.

As I'm in the midst of a huge life change, all I can think about is my desire to Run.
To run away from the life I've established in Salt Lake City; the friends I've made, the Love I've had, the home I've lived in; my most recent Life.
I want to Run.
Where to exactly? I'm never quite sure.
At first thought it's to run home to the comfort of my home desert, to hide under the covers of THEE world's comfiest bed, surrounded by the 4 walls that supported me.
I want to run to the idea of "it will be different this time".
Run to, "if it's meant to be, it will be."
Run to a blank canvas and fresh oils.
Run to my mat and heart openers. 
Run to an empty plate and twisting stomach.
But Arizona is a temporary fix. I no longer know how to live there as a 20-something transitioning adult. Arizona carries all of the baggage and the past that I so desperately wanted to escape.
But it will do, for now.
This new characteristic of mine is every bit shocking. I used to cling on to everyone and everything. I was never good at goodbyes, I'd avoid them in the way that I'd deny their ever-looming presence.
I would be destroyed by abandonment, death, change, loss of love or stability.
I blamed my cliche "broken childhood" on all of the lack of control  over who would be in my life and when they would abruptly leave.
Now I call the shots; I suppose it is my odd way of finally feeling some type of control. 
But as I continue my transition into adulthood, I find myself just as terrified of the control I have over my future;
 I can literally do whatever I want.
Now, all I want is the uncertainty of every new day. I don't want to plan my life two years from now.
So as the mixed feelings of moving from Utah continue to complicate themselves and wrap even tighter around the uncertainty of the next year and a half,  
I refuse to Run.
I will embrace all of the feelings, good and bad, all of the mental breakdowns, all of the heartbreak, discomfort, transition, and anxiety.
And I will learn to walk. 

Stay Present.
Namaste,
The 20-something old soul

The Post Grad Blues

Something that universities and colleges fail at informing the graduating seniors, is the period of time between graduation and "figuring out your next move". Now where in my "Welcome" packet 4 years ago or my "See ya Later Grad" compilation did I read something close to,

 "CAUTION: After your 4 glorious years at this fantastic institution you may experience a type of "uncertainty" or "anxiety" following the commencement of your graduating class." 

Something I have named,

The Post Grad Blues.

Judy Blume never prepared me for this odd, bittersweet feeling of uncertainty. I think many of us entered our 4 years of education with this belief that by the time we're standing up in front of our friends and families, getting ready to move our tassels and cross the threshold into "real adulthood", that we would have finally figured out the answers to our lives and passions

WRONG.

I can't help but fight this sinking feeling,
something I am unable to put into words.
I will be turning 22 in about 2 1/2 weeks, traveling to Europe for my belated graduation trip with my best friend and mother, soon to be followed by packing up my Utah life and heading South to my  native home desert for a few months of nesting before embarking on my year long adventure in Costa Rica with Language Corps.
Now don't get me wrong;
I'm ecstatic for all these adventures to come, this case of Wanderlust has manifested in various ways and adventure is calling and I must go; I feel incredibly blessed  and fortunate for the opportunities and support that has gotten me to where I am and where I am going.
But still,
This un-namable feeling and looming sadness.
As my life in Utah comes to a close, I have no doubt in the Universe for the timing and particular experiences, feelings and decisions I must make.
But by no means does that make ANY of this easy.
Like mentioned in many of my earlier blog entries, I am a self-identified homebody and old soul.
SHOCKER.
So this unknown future is daunting to say the least. I feel bits and pieces of the similar anxieties from the summer between my senior year of High school and freshman year of college; however looking back, it doesn't seem as "unknown" as it had felt. College is, in many ways, straightforward.
You have the next for years to be a student. The new and exciting part is the privilege to define what being a student means for you, but frankly each semester goes through the same ebb and flow of coursework, stress and final grades.
But alas, I'm rambling; odd phenomena, I know.

Will I miss Utah? Will I be homesick for my old, vintage rental space in Salt Lake rather than my home in Arizona? Or will I miss bits and pieces of both?
Utah in many ways has become my home, I've lived the most recent years of my life  in this state and with the people I've surrounded myself with- which has slowly dwindled to a VERY select few; many with four legs and fur.
So whilst I procrastinate, another rare occurrance for me, hee ha ha.., on my online classes during thee very last summer session of my college career, I can honestly say that I am wholeheartedly putting my trust into the Universe and the divine plan and nature of my life. That is a challenge for me to say the least, but if there is one thing I've learned during this limbo phase of pre-"real" adulthood,
is that we really do not have control over anything; so we might as well enjoy the ride.

Keep it real earthlings; Namaste,
The 20-something old soul.