A Celebration

Let me tell you a little about my best friend. Let me tell you about one of the strongest people I've had the privilege of getting to know and calling my soul sister.
Let me tell you a story of strength and resiliency.

Let me tell you about Catalina Eleanore Ritzinger.

Cata was born on April 10th, 1993 kicking & screaming; ready for this crazy thing called life.
She is the oldest of 3 girls. She is multi-lingual speaking German, Spanish, Italian and English.

Catalina is a dancer. She has more rhythm than I could ever dream. I hope one day, I'll have the opportunity to her create her art.

I met Cata almost two years ago. We shared an instant connection and understanding of life; the bigger picture. We both love animals (I have successfully converted her to vegetarianism (:, we want to travel the world (preferably together), we want to adopt our children ( or I'll be her oven if need be), we want to be activists, fighting for the voiceless, speaking out for the injustices of this world.

We are soul sisters.

We do differ however, Catalina is a two time cancer SURVIVOR. Did I mention she's only 21?
 She's undergone countless surgeries and procedures. With the news of her upcoming surgery, more devastating news, Cata has written a sort of Bucket List.

I will forever be grateful for being able to help her cross some of these items off her list.
This past weekend we traveled to Indio, California for the Coachella Music and Arts Festival. It being my second time and her first.
Now prior to our departure, I received many skeptical responses to this endeavor. Due to her health and physical condition, the only way we could make this trip possible was for her to use a wheelchair.
Not a problem. I've spent my fair share of time pushing a wheelchair,

 it was 5 years ago and the passenger was my brother Chad.

Ask anyone who's been to Coachella and they will confirm the magical experience that is is. A Woodstock of this era, if you will.

I've never told Catalina this, but she's always reminded me of Chad. They share the same spirit, huge heart and those

big brown eyes. 

Pushing Cata in this wheelchair for the weekend, I was able to relive all those years that I took pride in pushing Chad in his wheelchair. I felt so lucky to be in the presence of someone with such strength and despite the heartache and pain, has not allowed this cruel world to make them bitter or hard.

Yes, it was exhausting and hot and I got overwhelmed a few times this weekend, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I will forever cherish those endless conversations in our even longer car rides to and from Indio, about life, what we want from it and what we think we're really supposed to be doing here. Those will forever be special and irreplaceable.

Upon our return to reality, to Utah and to our beloved sorority, Kappa, we hosted a summer celebration soiree called Kappa Kountry. Here's the catch, it was all for Cata.
Another sister and I decided a few weeks back that we wanted surprise her with something huge, we wanted to envelop her in love and support as she embarks on the biggest change of her life this summer. The support and attendance was overhwhelming.
Currently $7,200 has been raised for Catalina and her family. But what's more, is all of the love and positive vibes that came with the guests.

If you feel so inclined, here is the link to donate. I am amazed at the generosity and growing number of donations.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/cata-s-army-/168080

Cata, here is what I was unable to form into words yesterday at our sisterhood:

I know we were meant to meet. There was some divine intervention so that our paths would cross. You are one of the reasons I am still in Utah and still a Kappa. You keep me going. Learning about your life and your family has meant more to me than you will ever know. I look up to you in so many ways. Your maturity and composure even when you were being told the scariest news. I feel honored that you entrusted in me the latest news regarding your health. I was at a loss for words. We just cried together. One of the most sincere and raw experiences I've ever had with another human.

And I promised 

you right then and there, that you would never have to be alone. And you won't. I believe in keeping my promise, and I'll be by your side every step of the way. I cannot wait for the rest of our lives. We have quite the adventure ahead of us my dear. And there is no one else I'd rather go with than you. Cata and Brooke vs. The World.

Namaste my beautiful soul sister,
The 20-something old soul

Scar Tissue and Spring Cleaning

With the changing weather from mid 30's/40's to around 65/70 degrees. So do many other changes take place. Spring has always been a surreal season for me. Looking back on these past 10 years, whenever Spring came along with all its warming glory, so did the milestones, graduations &
changes.

So this week I found myself getting in that Spring cleaning mode; out with the old, in with the new. And I'm not just referring going through my wardrobe and de-cluttering my nightstand,
I've been in the process of Spring Cleaning my life of negativity and toxic relationships as well.

Just like they say one's relationship with food is a direct reflection to their love life and self worth, as is going through one's wardrobe. This year has been one of growth. I grew as a 20 year old ( leaving the teen years for good, I've grown as a sister, daughter and college student. My body has also done a bit of growing as well.

Now here comes the personal stuff:

I have struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. I was not blessed with the fast metabolism as a child, whatever I ate, made it's appearance on my belly, thighs and cheeks one way or another. I also grew up with an abusive and controlling step father who reminded me of my less than desirable body type and related it back to my inability to succeed in my beloved sport of swimming.

Now I know every woman at some point in her life, whether it be during that black hole of awkwardness also known as puberty, those crazy self-conscious college years or maybe post pregnancy, struggle with their body image and confidence.  I however have had the same thoughts and ideas about my figure and self esteem for my almost 21 years of life.

And its exhausting.

So as i sorted through my clothes, trying to be as brutal as possible to part with my juvenile style from high school, I found myself face to face with my biggest nightmare.

Those infamous size 24 shorts that I easily fit into a year ago from today.

Like I mentioned before, Junior year involved a lot of growing. One that I am not in particularly excited about is my body. My sophomore year of college I suffered from a brief stage of anorexia. Fall 2012/Spring 2013 I was the closest I have ever been to liking my body. With my health and family's concern as the price.

Not Acceptable. In my distorted mindset about myself.

The majority of the weight gain took place last summer while I was in Africa. I was floored when I returned home excited to wear my shorts for the first time that summer to find them far too small. I stepped onto that plane at 108 and stepped off back in America at 130. I was crushed. Leading up to my trip I would think to myself how skinny I'd be when I returned home. No one goes to Africa and GAINS weight.

False.

Re reading my journal from Africa I remember being frustrated with myself as I slowly noticed my body changing and freaking out about it. I was not in Africa to focus on me and waste energy worrying about gaining a few pounds.

But it was 22 pounds. And being a survivor of anorexia and all the mental issues that come with the disease, I was becoming obsessive. I kept telling myself that I knew exactly what I needed to do to get back to my ideal weight ASAP once I got home. I'd done it before, I'd do it again. I had to. Being skinny meant everything to me. Gave me self worth, it meant that I was lovable and attractive and that finally, I was no longer the fat girl. 

This time was different. Merely restricting what I ate and simply not eating was not working. This past Fall I fell deeper and deeper into my downward spiral of self hate for gaining that weight after all I had done to get where I was, pre-Africa. The 20th year has *blessed* me with a more womanly figure complete with breasts, hips and a once coveted booty. 

While I continue to struggle with this new body of mine everyday, I'm trying my best to embrace this change amongst all others that are and will take place this Spring. 

- I will end my Junior year in two weeks with an added major in Gender Studies.

- I will move out of the house that I called home these two years I've been in Utah.

- I will say see ya later, not goodbye, to my sister as she graduates and embarks on the biggest adventure of her life thus far: adulthood and Florence, Italy.

- I will spend my first summer back home in my loved state of Arizona after 2 years.

- I will deepen my love and dedication to my practice of yoga. 

- I will celebrate my 21st with my mother in Whistler, Canada at Wanderlust. 

- I will say goodbye to a once cherished friendship, now turned toxic and negative.

- I will say hello to my new roommate and home that will be filled with love, positivity and good vibes.

- I will allow myself to heal and mend my broken heart from a love long gone, finally. 

- I will continue to work on loving my new body, curves and all, and realize that I am so much more than a number on the scale or tag.

Come What May

Stay Strong you beautiful Humans.

Namaste,

the 20-something old soul

I think about you everyday. Asshole.

We can live like jack and sally, if you want;

I miss you.

I’ve been working on this post for a while now. What’s held me back from posting it?

Fear. Of judgment. Of

You.

The knots in my stomach that always seem to appear when I think about you.

The Feels; oh the feels that these thoughts provoke.

Possibly Alexithymia: Difficulty describing feelings to other people.

I planned on posting it a bit ago and even as I waited for the internet to load, I made a deal with myself:

“If the webpage doesn’t load in by the next minute, then I’m not meant to post it today… regardless of my painfully slow internet connection that has been plaguing my household for 2 years.”

But alas; I will not hide from my passionate and deep ways. Here goes nothing....

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you. Yes, there's chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.

Heart break. Broken heart. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. Bullshit. Time to be vulnerable Valerie for a second. Yes, I am heartbroken, I’m sure pretty you know who you are.

Don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head….

It may be incredibly cliché to compare a heartbreak to lyrics, but that’s what I’ve been compelled to do.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, maybe this thing wasn’t a masterpiece, so you tore it all up.

It is true that the past few months I’ve been convincing myself of all the possibilities of “what went wrong”.

 We went too fast too soon. 
We declared our baggage the first time we spent together. 
We surrendered our brokenness to each other’s judgements. 
It was then, that I knew you were different.

It was then, when I realized I wanted to take that jump, dive head first into the unknown with you.

Maybe that is when you ran scared.

I think back to that night, sitting on that hill, and at least for a few seconds I can smile and relive those butterflies.

Relive our first kiss.

Can I also add how impeccable your timing is? I’ll be doing great, distracting myself, taking care of me with the things that bring me joy;  “I’m finally moving on!” and it’s as if you have a radar for this, before I know it, there you are. Making an appearance in my life one way or another.

I think about you everyday. Asshole.

It doesn’t help that you were the male version of me. And now all my favorite artists are just haunting reminders of you.

Now although it may not seem so, I wish you no harm.

 The bitterness is the broken heart talking, and I am a human, who experiences pain and loss.

And I lost you.

I only hope for your happiness.  

Remember, I know you. 

I know of the tragedy you have experienced and the loss. To be honest, my heart breaks for you. And all I ever wanted was to be there. For you to allow me to love you, with all your brokenness. My hope was that we could mend each other. There is so much of my own,

scare tissue that I wish you saw.

Maybe it was the timing. I sometimes think to myself, maybe fast forward ten years, we bump into each other at a coffee shop and it would have been better timing. For both of us.

I can’t help it, I love the broken ones, the ones who need the most patching up… and maybe I, see a part of me in them..

sometimes I think about you waking up one morning and regretting how things played out.

Your eyes they shine so bright, I want to save that light. I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you, but with the beast inside, there’s no where we can hide. No matter what we breathe, we still are made of greed, this is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come… it’s where my demons hide, it’s where my demons hide.

only know you love her when you let her go.

The playlist is endless. And I find new tracks being added everyday.

Losing him was blue, like I’ve never known, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was black, trying to know somebody you’ve never met.

But loving him was Red.

This is my goodbye of sorts. A final push for myself to heal and mend my heart. I have been needing to release these thoughts and musings out into this world for some time and this is my way of being kind to my spirit and soul. 

Goodbye to you.

Namaste,

The 20-something old soul.

"The only Constant in life, is Change."

April 1, 2014

Wow, how time flies.

I feel as if every time a big milestone comes up for my older sister, I get equally as anxious; being that we are only 22 months in age and a year apart in school. She had 8th grade Promotion, then I had 8th grade Promotion; She graduated from high school and then BAM! I graduated from high school. Next on the list, College graduation... And I'm right behind her.
wowza

This time feels different, however. My sister Paige will be graduating with a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature, spending her last summer in good ol' Salt Lake City and then proceeding to move to Florence, Italy to work with Language Corps for a year. And for whatever reason, this fact just hit me:

We are going to be separated by thousands of miles and lots of ocean. 

Last summer was our first real test of distance. You see, my sister and I, although being incredibly opposite, have been inseparable from as early as I can remember. This being the case mainly because all I wanted to do was tag along with my big sister in all the mischievous adventures she had planned. I even followed her to the university we are both currently attending, even after my stubborn little self refused and opted for an instate school for all of .5 seconds before transferring.

So while my sister and I couldn't be more polar opposite, even by looks, Me with dark brown curly hair, dark eyes, darker complexion, petite ( a whopping 5 feet and 2 inches!) My personality being out spoken, stubborn,( dare to argue a little sassy and sarcastic?), a little more on the emotional side and sensitive, pushing the limits, asking the questions and you better believe I live up to my sign characteristics! 100% LEO.  Roar.

And my sister being taller, gorgeous green eyes, alabaster skin, quieter, observant, reserved, never wanting to step on anyone's toes, dedicated to what she decides is important to her, meanwhile I can't sit still,  on the shyer side, motherly, she practically half raised me. Despite all these differences, we're close. And not in the normally understood definition of "close". We've both had our "STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!" moments with each other,
I'm talking about a closeness that only two sisters growing up with our childhood would understand.

Her freshman year of college/my senior year in high school was a crucial turning point in our relationship. It was the first year that I, Brooke, was not in the shadow of my gorgeous older sister Paige. Not that being the younger sister is all that bad, but being the only "Pyper" left at our school was new.
And I liked it.

My mom would put it as "I blossomed into who I am, as an individual." I became more outspoken, confident and finally felt authentic with my true self.

Any who, Paige and I's relationship was never better. We could love at a distance and have our own lives to update each other.
With my big sis graduating and continuing to turn into the adult she is, also comes another milestone, another chance for our relationship to grow, adapt and progress.
                                                        From a distance. 
I'm looking forward to my Senior year of college.. (holy guacamole).

To tie in the title of this post, "The only Constant in Life is change," this quote, from my father, has always been applicable in my life. My childhood was anything but stable and it was constantly changing and chaotic. But his piece of advice has proven itself time and time again during these short 20 years of my life thus far. 

Especially being in college, when every semester is different from the last and with every ending of a year, more and more people say goodbye to you and their own personal college careers,
so once again,
"The only constant in life, is change."

Oh, here's my new tat representing this lovely piece of advice (: A delta- being the mathematical symbol for change.

The sis and I, back in the good ol' days.

                        Oh, Senior Prom. What did I tell ya about the polar opposite thing? Am I right or what?

Love Always,

the 20-something old soul.