Dreaming of You

Dreaming is a fascinating thing.

Like the actual act of your incredible noggin going through the REM cycle, displaying images from either reality or deep sub-consciousness.
I think dreaming is a gift, something that cannot always be deciphered.
When we're asleep, we're at our most vulnerable. We are no longer on guard, our walls are down, we are resting and rejuvenating for the next chaotic day.

I have been fortunate to have been visited by my loved ones who have passed away, in my dreams.
Sometimes it would be a mere feeling or the essence of them, but I was confident that it was their soul. Other times, I interact with these people. We may speak or just look at each other.

I feel lucky that a very important person has been visiting recently.

My brother Chad passed away 5 years ago from a genetic, terminal disease. Losing him was the hardest , most heart-wrenching experience. I could not physically imagine life without him. He was my world, my everything, my reason for existence.
How was I possibly going to get through this without him? High School was shitty enough. He died in the middle of my sophomore year, also known as the epitome of awkwardness and life as a brace face. All I wanted to be worrying about was Prom. 
But that never had and never would be my reality.
 I created my identity in him, I was His sister.
God, I was so proud to be his little sister. I felt so lucky, to be in his presence for 15 years.

So these dreams.

I remember vividly the first dream Chad visited me.

It was freshman year of college, I was asleep in my dorm room the first week of the semester. I was missing my best friend and trusted confidant.

And then there he was. I remember from the dream crying, more like sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath; I was beside myself. I was in a bright, white room. Nothing around me. And out of no where, I was enveloped in love and I felt warm arms wrapped around me.

It was Chad.

I've had a few others similar to the first. One was with my step brother Austin who passed away 3 years before Chad. He was comforting me. I was sad about losing Chad and He said to me,

"It's okay, he's with me now."

I believe in Dreams. I believe that our minds are mysteries and dreams are glimpses into our soul. Dreams should be appreciated and sometimes not taken too seriously. But when the significance is there, they should be cherished.

Above: The incredible spirit I have the privilege to call my brother

Above: The tattoo I'd been wanting for years. I chose the left wrist for the same side as my heart, " I wear my heart on my sleeve.." The placement's significance were Chad's hands. My favorite thing to do was to hold them. He also had scars on his wrists from several surgeries. 

Dreams are incredible.

They can connect us with people, things and situations that may not be possible in the real world. We can relive that moment with that person who changed our life, experience a goal that is just out of reach and sometimes we wake up and shake our heads with bewilderment of that crazy, nonsense that just took place in our brains.


" I've got two hands, one beating heart, and I'll be alright, I'm gonna be alright"
The 20-something old soul