I think about you everyday. Asshole.

We can live like jack and sally, if you want;

I miss you.

I’ve been working on this post for a while now. What’s held me back from posting it?

Fear. Of judgment. Of

You.

The knots in my stomach that always seem to appear when I think about you.

The Feels; oh the feels that these thoughts provoke.

Possibly Alexithymia: Difficulty describing feelings to other people.

I planned on posting it a bit ago and even as I waited for the internet to load, I made a deal with myself:

“If the webpage doesn’t load in by the next minute, then I’m not meant to post it today… regardless of my painfully slow internet connection that has been plaguing my household for 2 years.”

But alas; I will not hide from my passionate and deep ways. Here goes nothing....

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you. Yes, there's chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.

Heart break. Broken heart. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. Bullshit. Time to be vulnerable Valerie for a second. Yes, I am heartbroken, I’m sure pretty you know who you are.

Don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head….

It may be incredibly cliché to compare a heartbreak to lyrics, but that’s what I’ve been compelled to do.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, maybe this thing wasn’t a masterpiece, so you tore it all up.

It is true that the past few months I’ve been convincing myself of all the possibilities of “what went wrong”.

 We went too fast too soon. 
We declared our baggage the first time we spent together. 
We surrendered our brokenness to each other’s judgements. 
It was then, that I knew you were different.

It was then, when I realized I wanted to take that jump, dive head first into the unknown with you.

Maybe that is when you ran scared.

I think back to that night, sitting on that hill, and at least for a few seconds I can smile and relive those butterflies.

Relive our first kiss.

Can I also add how impeccable your timing is? I’ll be doing great, distracting myself, taking care of me with the things that bring me joy;  “I’m finally moving on!” and it’s as if you have a radar for this, before I know it, there you are. Making an appearance in my life one way or another.

I think about you everyday. Asshole.

It doesn’t help that you were the male version of me. And now all my favorite artists are just haunting reminders of you.

Now although it may not seem so, I wish you no harm.

 The bitterness is the broken heart talking, and I am a human, who experiences pain and loss.

And I lost you.

I only hope for your happiness.  

Remember, I know you. 

I know of the tragedy you have experienced and the loss. To be honest, my heart breaks for you. And all I ever wanted was to be there. For you to allow me to love you, with all your brokenness. My hope was that we could mend each other. There is so much of my own,

scare tissue that I wish you saw.

Maybe it was the timing. I sometimes think to myself, maybe fast forward ten years, we bump into each other at a coffee shop and it would have been better timing. For both of us.

I can’t help it, I love the broken ones, the ones who need the most patching up… and maybe I, see a part of me in them..

sometimes I think about you waking up one morning and regretting how things played out.

Your eyes they shine so bright, I want to save that light. I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you, but with the beast inside, there’s no where we can hide. No matter what we breathe, we still are made of greed, this is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come… it’s where my demons hide, it’s where my demons hide.

only know you love her when you let her go.

The playlist is endless. And I find new tracks being added everyday.

Losing him was blue, like I’ve never known, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was black, trying to know somebody you’ve never met.

But loving him was Red.

This is my goodbye of sorts. A final push for myself to heal and mend my heart. I have been needing to release these thoughts and musings out into this world for some time and this is my way of being kind to my spirit and soul. 

Goodbye to you.

Namaste,

The 20-something old soul.