I Run

I'm a runner.
I bail when life just gets too much to handle.
I opt out of saying the awkward "goodbyes", so instead I slip away in the night without leaving a trace.
I've completely uprooted my life.
I left my first college, freshman year after a negative encounter with a fellow student, but to avoid the uncomfortable, "I was almost raped my freshman year of college" conversation, I simply said, "I had a freshman freakout."
and i left.  
I leave places, people, situations, environments, energy, relationships,
as soon as I sense a level of discomfort or uncertainty. Sometimes I think it's a coping mechanism, other times, a

 Cop Out.

As I'm in the midst of a huge life change, all I can think about is my desire to Run.
To run away from the life I've established in Salt Lake City; the friends I've made, the Love I've had, the home I've lived in; my most recent Life.
I want to Run.
Where to exactly? I'm never quite sure.
At first thought it's to run home to the comfort of my home desert, to hide under the covers of THEE world's comfiest bed, surrounded by the 4 walls that supported me.
I want to run to the idea of "it will be different this time".
Run to, "if it's meant to be, it will be."
Run to a blank canvas and fresh oils.
Run to my mat and heart openers. 
Run to an empty plate and twisting stomach.
But Arizona is a temporary fix. I no longer know how to live there as a 20-something transitioning adult. Arizona carries all of the baggage and the past that I so desperately wanted to escape.
But it will do, for now.
This new characteristic of mine is every bit shocking. I used to cling on to everyone and everything. I was never good at goodbyes, I'd avoid them in the way that I'd deny their ever-looming presence.
I would be destroyed by abandonment, death, change, loss of love or stability.
I blamed my cliche "broken childhood" on all of the lack of control  over who would be in my life and when they would abruptly leave.
Now I call the shots; I suppose it is my odd way of finally feeling some type of control. 
But as I continue my transition into adulthood, I find myself just as terrified of the control I have over my future;
 I can literally do whatever I want.
Now, all I want is the uncertainty of every new day. I don't want to plan my life two years from now.
So as the mixed feelings of moving from Utah continue to complicate themselves and wrap even tighter around the uncertainty of the next year and a half,  
I refuse to Run.
I will embrace all of the feelings, good and bad, all of the mental breakdowns, all of the heartbreak, discomfort, transition, and anxiety.
And I will learn to walk. 

Stay Present.
Namaste,
The 20-something old soul