Bodies

I don't usually go into much detail regarding my relationship with my body.
Because it's just a body, right?
Wrong.
My body is my home
the vessel of my soul that allows me to live on this planet
 to eat donuts
 to make love
 to run, and skip
 to fall down and scrape my knee
 to make a decision and completely change my mind
 to create another life,
 or to not.
Our bodies allow us to climb mountains and travel the world and take us where we want to go. 
My body and I have had a rocky relationship to say the least.
From a young age, I told myself that my body was not good enough.
I wasn't even sure what my idea of a "good" was, just that it must be the opposite of mine.
I was an unusually short child, but my belly made up for the lack of height, in width.
I was a swimmer for about twelve years of my life. I wasn't awesome but I didn't suck.
I was a floater (pun intended)
Something I remember recognizing early on in my swimming experience was that I looked very different than my fellow female teammates. I didn't have the tall, lean body. I wore a size 28 swimsuit whilst they were rocking the 26-24. I had the infamous speed bumps...
*Speed Bumps (noun)- The fatty tissue that collects on one's hips creating a "speed bump" when moving one's hands down the sides starting from the ribcage. synonym: "muffin tops"
So wearing a tight, nylon, fastspeed speedo swimsuit was horrifying.
However, feeling like an orca whale trapped in a tiny fishing net, I pushed through the 5:15 am practices for years.

But it wasn't until my sophomore year of college when I took my insecurity and hatred of my body to a new level of self destruction.
I moved to a new state, was starting a new school, I wanted to be a new me.
Brooke 2.0
I would finally have the thigh gap and the collarbone
size 0 would be a normal part of my shopping trips
Although I did not mentally decide "I think I'll starve myself starting today"
I started this mental and physical game with myself with food and working out.
The staples of my diet included:
frozen bags of corn
sweet potatoes
whole wheat waffles
oatmeal
coffee
I signed up for a crossfit class and was doing high intensity work outs and supplementing my "off" days with 45 minutes, at least, on the stair climber.
I made it, I weighed 108 at my skinniest, wore a size 0 in shorts, finally liked my smile because it wasn't ruined by my persistent and stubborn baby fat cheeks.
I also still hated myself.
I was diagnosed with PTSD and chronic depression, thought seriously about dropping out of school and checking myself into a facility and attempted to deal with my first heartbreak in the tiny Greek community on campus.
But I was 108 pounds, I had a thigh gap and size 26 jeans.
Fast Forward to today. November 17th, 2015
Age 22
Weight (I'd guess aronund 130? Haven't weighed myself in months, EDA rule #1)
Size 26/27 jeans
Depression and Anxiety is managed through yoga, medication etc.
My heart is full and I'm 100% in love with my adventure buddy and best friend.
I'm a college graduate moving to Portland, Oregon in less than 2 weeks for a job with a non-profit (a job I've dreamed about for forever!)
And the really interesting part?
-is how warped the perception I had of myself. Looking at childhood photos today, I didn't look that much different. Sure I had baby fat and I was shorter than most, but I was not nearly the size I thought and felt that I was.
This is a testament to how gentle we need to be with ourselves and how our self talk truly makes a difference in our lived experience.  So what's my point, telling this dramahhhhtic story about my mental/physical health during my college years?
Well, frankly I don't know what my point is. The fact that I'm publicizing my body struggles and current guestimation of my weight (What the actual fuck..) is a huge step for me.
It's this place I'm coming to in my womanhood, to come clean almost about who I am and where I've been and how god damn hard it is to get to this place.
And to admit that ED recovery is an everyday battle. There are days when I wake up feeling like a badass, curvy, sexy woman and live in a way that demands my curves to be honored.
And there are days like today, like everyday this past week, that I remember the conversations I had in my head during my disordered eating/lifestyle. I remember exactly what I did to get as skinny as I was and for maybe a minute or two, I contemplate going back to my old ways.
I'm writing this to show that I'm human, that some days I'm proud of my thick thighs, my breasts and my  booty; I'm proud of the woman I've become and the body I inhabit.
But just as often, I yearn for my brief 19 year old body. But with it, came the decline of my mental health and self worth.

It's a process, it's baby steps, it takes time. I'm still learning.

The 20-something old soul